Societal Collapse

The end of semester rush

For the two or three fans that I actually have, I apologize for my absence. I know that other writers being MIA is common on this site but you do not expect to see it from me. This is the end of semester rush for me (finally my last as an undergrad) & once final's week ends on May 13th & I walk the stage on the 14th, I will be back. Well, that is provided that we still have a site. Until then, re-read other stuff that I have written so you don't forget about me & hey, MAYBE some of the other writers could actually contribute something!

I Say This With Love

Dear Mr. Schilling:

I think that I can safely speak my mind for all members of Red Sox Nation when I say thank you from the bottom of our hearts for doing all that you did to help the Sox win a world series. I also think that I can safely speak for all of us when I say SHUT THE FUCK UP ALREADY!!!!!! Keep your mouth closed, keep your grill off of my television when it comes to discussing what other teams say and how other managers manage, get yourself healthy & off of the DL and play baseball! Outside of that, stop talking already!

Love,

Eddie Z

Who IS this guy!?

If some one were to ask you whom, after 19 regular season games, would be hitting .364, have a major league leading (not to mention career SEASON high) seven home runs (Tied with the likes of David Ortiz & Paul Konerko), be second in the majors with 20 RBI (behind only teammate Miggy Tejada) and be tied for third in stolen bases, would the name Brian Roberts even have come into your head!? I know it wouldn't have entered my thoughts. I might have thought Derek Jeter was havin a strong power start or that A-rod was finally playing like A-rod is supposed to. I might have thought that Johnny Damon surprised everyone by coming back with the same power with which he hit last season or that Ichiro had decided to try to hit for power. Maybe I would have even had thoughts that Carlos Beltran was showing just how worth the money the Mets spent on him that he is. (This is not to say that he isn't, just making a point) Never in a thousand guesses though, would I have guessed Brian Roberts.

Not since Brady "90210" Anderson & his Brandon Walsh hair cut has Baltimore seen such productivity from its lead off man. But, one season after crushing 50 bombs from the lead off spot, Brady began to fall apart. He had many of the symptoms suffered by known & alleged steroid abusers too. Oh, did I mention that he put on a butt load of weight over that previous off season to his home run parade? At any rate, I don't see this as the case with Roberts.

Roberts has put on some weight since last year but nothing that is remarkable. Standing at 5'9" & 178lbs, B-Rob (as those of us lucky enough to be his friend call him) is a pretty standard sized guy for an athlete. He still has full flexibility (right Rey Ordonez?) and he can still run like the wind & play defense like a mother! So what has changed? According to his hitting coach, nothing but selection & opportunity has changed.

For the last couple of season Roberts has had to contend for playing time with his good friend Jerry Hairston Jr. During this past off-season though, Hairston became part of a trade with the Cubbies that brought Sammy Sosa (probably minus most of his needles & pills) to the O's. Brian Roberts saw his opportunity to become a full time player, started to be more selective about his pitches & the result has been this amazing start. Now I don't expect B-Rob to hit 50 taters. Hell, HE doesn't even expect himself to continue with the power surge. I certainly don't expect his OPS to stay at 1.183! That is just ridiculous! Still, Roberts has always been a productive player. He has gotten on base with fair regularity over the last couple of years despite having always had to look over his shoulder and worry about making mistakes because of Hairston being there. He stole 29 bags last season which, in todays majors, is nothing to sneeze at. He also drove in 53 runs last season.

This is a different season though. Brian Roberts is relaxed. He knows that he is the every day second baseman. He knows that teams are going to continue to pitch to him too because 2-5 in that line-up (Melvin Mora, Miguel Tejada, Sammy Sosa & Raffy Palmero *Don't worry, his pills are ok!*) are a pretty murderous bunch to face as an opposing pitcher. As long as he continues to go out & just play baseball, as long as he avoids trying to do too much, as long as he doesn't start going to the plate LOOKING to hit a home run, he is going to have a great season. I don't think that he will stay on THIS pace, but a .330 season with somewhere in the range of 20 HRs,  70 RBI & 35 stolen bags is not unrealistic. Brian Roberts, welcome to stardom!

New Pope, Same Problem

This post waited for the period of mourning to end. Out of common decency not out of fawning respect for the late pope. While John Paul II was a revered person, he had his own flaws, mostly institutional. And the funny thing is that now there is a new pope, many people are happy he is a doctrinal conservative. Not only Catholics but other Christian denominations, because the Catholics are steadfast in their positions. These people along with Pope were crying out about the Terry Schaivo case. But the pope and the rest of these conservative "theologians" are missing the fact that by not allowing any birth control, they are spreading AIDS in Africa. Catholics are not allowed to use birth control even if it means spreading a disease as deadly as AIDS. Where are the hue and cry for these people and for this issue? An immediate response will be, "Those people should abstain from sex." That is true, but when was the last time you abstained.

McCarthyism Strikes the Collapse

Ladies and gentlemen!  No wait, not enough people read us for that greeting.

Friends and family!  Nope, again, I don't have any friends and my family hates me.

Mom, look someone new is writing for the website!

Let's all give Heather McCarthy, Princess of Pop Culture, a big round of applause.  I figured on adding her for a couple reasons.  One: her responses in some cases have been better than the articles.  Her wit and sarcasm are outstanding and would serve a far better purpose in column form than comment form.  Two: she claimed to feel like an intruder commenting.  Three: Eddie and I are having trouble carrying the site (more Eddie than me even, but I'm gunna start blowing up with posts after May 3rd.)  Four: The ACLU told me to hire a minority, be it ethnic or female or they would shut me down.

Let's all give Heather a big warm welcome and hope she loves it just as much as we love, ya know.  Ya know? 

Where in the World is Bob Hegney?

You know, kind of like "Where in the World is Carmen Sandiego" except Bob is a real person.

Seriously though, where is Bob?  We miss you Bob.  Come back soon!

Facebook This Bitches!

OK, so I work in "higher education" with the national staff of a national fraternity (read higher education however you wish to),  I have been to about 25 different college campuses in the course of the past eight and a half months and I have seen the rise of the new internet hobby.  The new crack, the new AIM.  It is called "THE FACEBOOK" and it's existence borders on unholy.

More and more computers have dragged individuals further and further away from actual human contact.  First was the chat rooms, then AIM became a craze (one that I was sadly sucked into), and now this Facebook thing.  It has taken meeting people to a whole new level of laziness. 

You don't actually make friends, you list individuals in your "Buddy List".  Everything is virtual.  You don't even have to post your own picture for goodness sake. 

Sure you get to meet loads of people who have a common interest, but seriously, of all the people that I have seen who have Facebook accounts, they all belong to close to 10 groups at a minimum and when they go through their buddies, they are usually going on about how they never talk to anyone, but it's always cool just to collect friends. 

We are powerless to stop The Facebook.  The best we can do is pray and hope that it evnetually crashes into itself.

We Are All Enemies of the State

Who loves Will Smith and Gene Hackman?  I sure know I do, and when you put those two kooky fellows together you get a thrill ride of an adventure.  Oh wait, sorry, "Enemy of the State" was released years ago, so you all already know that.

Well then, moving on to my point I suppose.  We all know what happened in the movie.  The Government was testing a tracking system using satelite surveilance and tapping into all kinds of different security cameras and phone taps and bla bla bla.  Ultimately Will and Gene win by fooling the government and Will gets to bang his mad hot wife for the rest ofhis live and make more cute black babies to live in the Washington DC area.  Thank goodness it's only a movie.

Well it used to be just a movie.  Soon to be famed author JDM clued us all in last week to what Google Maps is doing, showing pictures of your house in the directions.  I'm not going to tell you what he has to say, so you'll have to go read it yourself.

These pictures that they are showing of your house is from a bird's eye view.  They are stock shots, and the only reason I know that is because the trees are all alive by my house (right now they are still a shade of grey that you would find on Skeletor's armor).  Point being here though is they had to somehow take a picture of every house in America to be able to give directions like this. 

I'm fairly confident in saying that they didn't fly aircraft and take tons of pictures that got developed at Wal-Mart and I'm pretty sure they didn't find the Tooth Fairy and mandate that she log her route via camcorder.  No these images are taken through satelite observation.

Great, now an independent company has global satelite rights to be able to take pictures of anything they want to.  Now I have a hard time believing that Google has made enough money to be able to afford a fleet of satelites which makes me wonder, what is the government doing?

Now I know, if you don't have anything to hide you have nothing to worry about.  Whoopie.  I don't want to be skinnydipping with my wife and have Uncle Sam along for the swim.  I'll have 15 foot fences and no kids so no one will be able to see me, right?  RIGHT!

I don't want my privacy invaded just because someone thinks something somewhere might have the possibility of happening.

NBA Age Limit?

David Stern has brought public an idea to raise the age limit in the NBA to 20 years old. This is a tough one for me. On one hand, I love the idea that it would make the NBA game better as well as the college game. On the same hand though, how can you tell people that once were able to enter the draft that now they cannot?

This isn't like the NFL. The NFL has always had the age restriction on entry into their draft. I won't listen to the idea that the NFL has to drop their age restriction simply because it is already there. However, I cannot see a scenario where I can allow the NBA to raise up an age restriction.

There are a lot of interesting tangibles that come into play. Some of the NBA's biggest stars & best players came straight out of high school. Obviously LeBron is the first to come to mind along with Kobe. Kevin Garnett also came straight from 12th grade as did Jermaine O'neal, T-Mac, Amare Soudamire & Rashard Lewis. Still, of the 37 high schoolers that declared for the NBA draft (nine of which went completely undrafted) how many of them are the stars that they were supposed to be? Maybe the better question is how many of them could have become true stars if they had spent some time in the college game? Look at Eddie Curry. He came right out of high school in the 2001 NBA draft.  He was a below average player for his size & did not start to make a real contribution to the Bulls until this season. Even at that, coach Scotty Skiles thinks that he needs more work on his fundamentals. He is still at least two years (in my humble opinion) from reaching his potential. Why could these years not be spent in college where he might even have gotten himself an education to go with his basketball talents? Even Jermaine O'neal, one of the league's brightest stars, did not average over five points per game until his fifth season!

So yes, some of the biggest stars in the league today are kids that came right out of high school but at what price to the product until they finally mature & reach their potential? And, how badly has it hurt the college game knowing that some of the best players coming out of high school will never even grace the hardwood of division one basketball!? For every LeBron or Kobe, there are five Korleone Youngs. Even worse, there might be several more Leon Smiths (same article) that we never hear about.

Some people ask why the NBA can't raise the age limit when firms & companies all over the world are allowed to list four years of college as a pre-requisit to get a job? The fact is though, even if you lack the four years that they want, you can still APPLY for that job. It is then up to the company to decide whether or not they are going to hire you. No company can make a policy against people submitting an application. So, in the NBA, it would be like saying LeBron & Kobe could have entered the NBA draft, but nobody would have drafted them because they don't fit the pre-requisits. They still had to be allowed to enter the draft which is the NBA equivilent to an application.

I may not be able to get behind the NBA raising the age limit but something needs to be done. One thing I will absolutely NOT pay any credence to is Jermaine O'neals assertion that there are racial overtones in this decision. Sorry youngen, race has nothing to do with it. But O'neal (and many others for that matter) ask questions about why it is ok for baseball & hockey players to be drafted as high schoolers. They also ask why it is ok for high schoolers (and younger) to play golf or tennis. Let us first address the latter. In golf and tennis, you are out for yourself & only yourself. There is no team in either of those individual sports. You are your own enterprise. You don't get to make huge money or get huge endorsements unless you are a successful player (or super hot like that one Russian tennis chick).

So, in that instance, you are out for yourself. You don't get the money up front, you have to earn it by playing in tournaments or earning sponsorships. It does not hurt the game because in the end, only the best players are going to be the ones featured when they are playing well. If Jimmy Jones comes outta Lake Shore High School and is touted as the next big thing and gets drafted by the L.A. Lakers, even if he sucks, he is going to be on television a bunch & take a spot away from a proven veteran.

As for baseball & hockey, well, that is pretty simple really. Both of those sports have a minor league system. Tons of kids are drafted to play both sports right out of high school but how many of them do you end up seeing in the MLB or the NHL? The answer is not very many. They are drafted & then they go to the minors where they refine their talents, adjust to the pro level of their respective games &, when they are finally ready to come up and play in the show, they do. If they falter in the show, they get sent back down to the minors. In the NBA, there is no minor league system. So your choices are essentially cake or death if I might be so bold as to use an Eddie Izzardism. You either latch on to an NBA team & make big jack or you end up on the street without a pot to piss in. And oh, by the way, you also forfeit your chance to get a free education based on your athletic talent if you fail to stick in the NBA.

Instead of raising the age limit, maybe the NBA should work out a deal with the CBA or USBA. Perhaps they could set up a system similar to the one that NFL Europe & the real NFL have. Something certainly has to be done. Unfortunately for the NBA, I have a hard time believing that they are going to get the Player's Union to sign off on a new collective bargaining agreement that will allow them to raise their age limit to 20. Even if they do, they will likely end up spending more money in court battles with angry parents who are mad that their son (aka the "NEXT lebron") is not being allowed to live out his dream than they would waiting for these kids to start playing up to their potential.

Bullshit T.O. you ARE selfish

Few things in this world make me more disgusted than when an athlete, particularly one that makes a seven digit salary each year, complains that he is underpaid. I will tell you one thing that DOES make me more disgusted though: when one of these whiny, pampered, pre-madonna little bitches tries to say that they are not being selfish when they claim to be underpaid! Terell Owens, there are words that I want to use to describe you right now that I just cannot bring myself to print on the information super highway.

Let's break down to simple terms what you are really saying. You are really saying that SEVEN MILLION dollars per year is too little. You play 16 games in the season. Seven million divided by 16 comes out to $437,500.00! THAT is how much you make PER GAME!! You make more in one quarter than I have in my entire working life! You make enough in one quarter of football to pay off my student loans & those of my fiancee all at once! Yet you are underpaid!? Who the fuck do you think you are you self-centered, ego-manical, greedy, cock-suckin son of a fuckin whore!!?? Get your sorry half broken ass back out on the field & shut your fuckin mouth!

My only hope is that you end up playing against Rodney Harrison at some point next season and he head hunts your ass & leaves your body lying on the turf, barely full of life & points at you laughing! If he does that I can guarentee you this much you smug prick, I will be pointing & laughing right along with him! See T.O. I can look past all the controversies. I accept your celebratory dances as part of what the game is today. Hell, I will even go so far as to say that they are entertaining. I stuck up for you to a lot of people when you were gettin ripped on for doing Ray Lewis' stupid little hip hop jig right in front of him. I was on your side when you came out & said "If you don't want to see me dance, don't let me score!" I have enjoyed watching you play the game since your second year in the league! The Eagles are my second favorite team in the league & there is absolutely no question that you helped them get to the next level!

But all of that in & of itself just wasn't good enough. Being put on a pedastel by arguably the toughest sports fans in the entire United States (I will give them credit for the world when they start lobbin lit flares at people) as the guy who got them over the hump just wasn't good enough. The fact that you make more money in one game of football than my entire immediately family & immediately family of in-laws make in an entire TWO YEAR SPAN just somehow isn't good enough. No, you're underpaid aren't you!? Bullshit you overpriced piece of gutter trash.

And don't give me this fuckin lame ass excuse that all of you greedy pricks use these days. Don't play the "I gotta feed my family" card. I would say at seven mill per, your fuckin family is well fed! At seven mill per, if you were to play for the outrageously skewed average number of years that a person makes it in the NFL (three)  you would STILL bring home 21 million dollars. That is before any signing bonuses, before any endorsement deals & before any other incentives that might be built into your contract. I have enough trouble trying to "feed my family" right now! My family consists of my fiancee, my cat, my snake & myself. That doesn't seem like much to take care of but if I might borrow & paraphrase an old Patrick Ewing classic "Hey, we might buy a lot of food but I EAT a lot of food too." So if you need more than that seven mill to keep your family fed T.O., you might consider asking them to diet.

The sad reality is that whether it is the Eagles that do it or some other team in the league, you are going to get the money that you want. It sucks, it really fuckin does! The fact that you can sit there & look in the mirror & justify to yourself, through all of the ice drippin from your neck, the top shelf threads, the $30,000.00 sun glasses, the $50,000.00 studs in your ears that you are still underpaid when I have enough trouble payin the rent in my one bedroom apartment every month is enough to make me wanna put my life on hold & destroy everything you have ever worked for by running your leg over with a car nine or ten times. Still, in the end, you are the one who will get over, you are the one who will be loved by whatever fans you end up playing in front of & sadly, within the next year, everyone will have forgotten what a selfish, no good, low-down, filthy, rotten, disgusting, wormy, dickless piece of snake shit that you really are. Maybe others will T.O. but not me. Not me, not ever! I will never buy a piece of your merchandise, I will never give you credit for making a great play (even when you do), I will never stand up and cheer you, EVER! Even if you bring a Lombardi trophy to the Eagles, hell, even if you get picked up by my beloved Bills & score every single touchdown for the team and are solely responsible for finally bringing a super bowl here to Buffalo, I will not cheer for you. Even if you were able to give the Eagles the superbowl in 2005 & then the Bills a superbowl in 2006, you can still kiss my balls. If there ever were justice in this world, you would end up re-breaking your ankle & never be able to set foot on the field again. Unfortunately, that is not how things will work out. And seeing as how you won't play New England in the regular season if you stay with the Eagles, I guess that means that I will have to hope that on Sunday October 30, I am able to sit down in front of the TV at 4:15 EST & watch John Lynch rip your head off of your body & piss down your neck! Oh if only dreams came true.

What's the Big Deal!?

Yesterday the Boston Red Sox got their 2004 World Series rings at Fenway Park right before their game with the Yankees. The ceremony was really nice. The team included countless Red Sox from years past in the celebration. They even got John Pesky a ring of his own! Add to that the fact that they then went out & dominated their arch-rivals and it made for what should have been celebrated as a wonderful day not just for Boston, but for Major League Baseball given the back drop of the Red Sox drought prior to last season. Yet, as I turn on the television, all I hear is everyone bitching about Derek Lowe & Dave Roberts having worn their old jerseys for the ceremony. Am I missing something?

John Kruk & Harold Reynolds claim that they have a problem with it because "we're from the old school way of thinking" as Kruk put it. What the hell does that have to do with anything? It isn't as though these guys played that day's game with the Red Sox. It isn't as if they escaped their teams in secret & showed up in a shady cat & mouse game. They both got permission from their respective teams to leave their daily functions (for Lowe of the Dodgers & Roberts of the Padres) and attend the ring ceremony in Boston. They damn well deserved to be there too! Derek Lowe was the winning pitcher in all three elimination games (And my vote for Playoff MVP) & Dave Roberts stole maybe the most pivotal base in baseball history. So why is it such an issue if they donned their old jersey for the ceremony? They did it for the fans, they did it for the guys that they called teammates during such a magical time & they did it to regain that connection to the glory for one more shining moment. In my opinion, they did not disgrace their current teams, they did not do any damage to anyone & they did not do anything wrong. All you old school baseball freaks need to relax a little bit on this one. Every last one of you is making much ado about nothing!

Something Special

I did not even realize that the Mets were playing yesterday afternoon (Sunday, April 10, 2005) until i stumbled across their website & saw that it was the third inning. So, while i was takin care of some banking & doin a few other things online, i flipped the game on. They were playing against the Braves in Atlanta. It was a match-up of rivals & takin the bump was John Smoltz for the Bravos & Pete Martinez for the Metropolitans. Before long, it was evident that I was watching something very special.

Both pitchers fired on all cylinders and really, they each only made one bad pitch. Pete's was in the bottom of the fourth. He walked Chipper Jones & then hung a pitch to Johnny Estrada that got pounded into the right field corner. The damage might have been minimized had the ball not taken a funny hop and caused Eric Valent to have to chase it around more. This allowed Chipper to score from first. Pedro got himself out of the rest of that inning with little problem. Then, I came to find out that Pedro had given up a lead-off triple to Andruw Jones to start the 2nd inning (the only other hit he gave up all game) and was able to keep Andruw stranded at third. That peaked my attention.

Then Smoltzy took the mound. Man, he was unbelievable. He was a K machine! I had never seen anything like it. Even in the top of the fifth when the Mets had runners on 1st & 2nd with no one out, he was able to hold off any major scoring threat because, after makin a nice defensive play to get the lead runner on Pedro's sac bunt attempt, he just kept mowin Mets' batters down. He had his BEST stuff. I mean, I stopped everything that I was doin cuz i could feel that i was witnessing sumthin special. This was the ultimate pitcher's duel; a lost art form in today's Major Leagues full of Herculean roid freaks that have managed to turn a can of corn into a 500 + foot bomb.

Both pitchers were rollin and Smoltzy went into the 8th having struck out 15 batters. He punched out at least two batters in each of the first six innings & K'ed the side in the second & sixth. Then things went south for him. Jose Reyes fought hard in an at bat & was able to battle a ball into right field for a single. Miguel Cairo moved Reyes up with a sac bunt. Then, the big money Met stepped to the dish and, he did what he was supposed to do! It's not that it was a terrible pitch, he just hung it a little bit. It was just enough of a mistake for Beltran to capitalize. Smoltz didn't think it was a bad pitch at all. As he put it, "[Beltran] hit a pretty good pitch. It wasn't the best curveball that I've thrown but it wasn't the worst."

The curveball didn't get far enough down or in to escape the lethal lumber of Carlos Beltran as he jerked it outta the yard to give the Mets the lead. Smoltz was taken out after that & the wheels kinda fell off for the Braves bullpen.

Speakin of bullpens fallin apart, Pedro was not done. No way he was lettin Willie Randolph take him outta that game. He finished it up having pitched a two hit gem. He struck out nine batters himself (bringin his season total to 21 after two starts) and only walked one. First baseman Doug Mientkiewicz called the performance by Pedro, "...the best pitching I've ever seen in my career."

For both starters it was an amazing day to remember. It's cliche, but it was one of those games that you didn't want either guy to lose. Even as a Mets fan who views the Braves as the National League's "Evil Empire" and arch nemesis of my beloved squad, I just didn't want the pitching clinic to stop. I hung on every fastball, change-up, slider & curve and I found myself badly torn between rooting for the Mets to get hits & score runs & cheering out loud each time home plate umpire Jim Joyce let out his signature "Sssstriiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiike!" & did the umpire punch out dance. As for Pedro, well, I have watched him pitch in more games than I can count & there have been precious few times, even in his amazing career, when he has been in such command of EVERY pitch he threw. I will never forget the yacker he backward K'ed Andruw Jones on that was so fierce it had Jones bailin out before it flashed across his face into Ramon Castro's mit for strike three. Even Jones laughed on his way back to the dugout. I really never wanted this thing to end.

At the end of the top of the 7th when Pedro bounced into a 3-1 ground out at first, as the two hurlers ran by each other, they gave each other a pat on the back. It was clear that both of them could feel what was going on. It truly is a shame that the game had to end the way it did. Hell, it's a shame the game had to end at all. I can tell you this much though, it reminded of what baseball is supposed to be about. It allowed me to forget about "the juice" and about all the other ridiculous circus acts that are damaging America's past time right now. Don't get me wrong, these are all things that NEED to be addressed, they NEED to be talked about. But for one afternoon, i was able to escape all of the poison & get down to watching something pure. It was truly one for the ages, it was truly something special.

Can We Get Some Closer Accountability Please!?

One of the things that always fascinates me about a young baseball season is all of the strange things that happen. These are things that 99 times out of 100 do not hold their pattern for the rest of the year, but they are fun all the same. For instance, after opening day Dmitri Young of the Detroit Tigers was on pace to hit 486 home runs this season. He touched 'em all three times (I guess it wasn't Lima Time "BELIEVE IT!") during their game with the Royals.

One of the not so fun trends that has started over the first four days of 2005 baseball is the issue of closers you just can't count on! Let's review:

Braden Looper ruined my opening day Mets Magic by blowing a 9th inning lead and giving the game back to the Reds. Since then, Bob Wickman, Shingo Takatsu, Trevor Hoffman, Francisco Cordero & Mariano Rivera have all blown saves! Mo did it twice! That is six closers that have blown save opportunities in the first four days of the season! When you look further into it you will see that it doesn't stop there. Last night Danny Kolb did everything in his power to blow a save for the Braves against the Marlins. He managed to find his way out just in time not to blow the save, but it was not exactly a smooth outing. Kieth Foulke did not blow a save but he came into the 9th inning of a tie game (the first save that Mariano blew) and proceeded to give up walk-off fun to the greatest player in the game today Derek Jeter. (Yes, I HATE the Yankees with a passion but Jeter is really my favorite player. It is a sick & vicious reality to live.) Add to that the fact that John Smoltz (a converted starter to converted closer that starts now) showed up & melted the hell down in his first start since 1824 & you get the idea that things are not going too well for closers & former closers in this young season.

I am not alarmed of course. The baseball world is still aligning itself properly. Soon the game's best players will start to act like it, Brad Wilkerson will stop hitting the hell out of every ball that crosses his path & all will be normal with the world again. Perhaps the most frightening trend for closers in this young season though is one that is less expected than any of the meltdowns: Miguel Batista is two for two in save opportunities & he has done it in dominant fashion. Now THAT is a trend to watch out for!

Oh That Crazy Internet

Poking around online today, I found an article talking about Edvard Munch, most famous for having his paintings stolen.  Most recently it has been "Scream" and "Madonna" that police have sought for well over a year.  Now we all know what "Scream" looks like, and if you don't, well, you'll just have to give me your address so I can come and give you a spanking.  I had never heard of or seen "Madonna" before though, so I searched and this article came up.  I could not turn away.  I had to read it.

Apparently, Maddona and her sperm donor and live in nanny Guy Ritchie are having some child problems.  They speak nothing but French.  HA!  You wouldn't have this kind of problem if you raised your kid in America you freakishly hot MILF!

What do Babs, EJ, and Mimi Have in Common

I would have no way of knowing who the fuck they were had I not been working with a gay man.  Apparently they are Barbra Streisand, Elton John, oh wait, SIR Elton John (didn't know England was into giving knighthood to just anyone), and Mariah Carey.  Plus, let's not forget those oh so favorite one name wonders Cher and Madonna from that list of the music that's so popular in the "unitasking" crowd.  What mystified me more was not so much that there were specail "gay" pet names for these artists, but more why is there such an afinity for them.  I mean what have these individuals done to make them so special in the homosexual community?

I thought about it for a second, and realized it's either one of two things.  Either at one point they were all men and had their penises removed or their adoration is esoteric and known only to the gay community.  I had to know, so I booked some time with the most fabulous of fabulous gay men in New York, which would put him in the running for most fabulous of all gay men world wide, Carson Kressley.  We met in the Times Square Starbucks, and he agreed to unravel the mysteries.

"Oh my god honey, what are you wearing?  Blue?  It's so 1940!  And in Times Square.  Take it off, we'll get you something new."

"Uh Carson, we're in Times Square, I'm not getting naked.  Let's just get a coffee and get this underway.  I've got something straight to do at 4."

"Ok fine sugar you order, they should know what I like here."

I got up to the counter and ordered the most gigantic fucking cup of coffee they had.  I don't think speaking Italian should be a prerequisite for ordering coffee, then again I'm a savage brute.

"Oh you savage brute.  You want a "Venti" not a gigantic cup.  This is Starbucks, get with the times.  Honey, you're new, I'm only tell you my order once, and the next time I walk in you'll have it ready.  Grande White Mocha, triple shot, soy no whip, HALF CAF.  So help your adorable little outfit and fantastic hair if it's not half caf."

After about two hours of evaluating my lack of style flair, I was finally able to calm Carson down and get to business.  Thank goodness he only had the half caf.

"So Carson, unravel the mysteries for me.  Tell me why there is such an afinity for Babs, Elton, Mariah, Madonna and Cher."

"Oh honey, I'd like to unravel a few other things with you."  He ran a finger down my chest, I threw up a little in my mouth.  "Honestly it's pretty simple.  Every sociological group identifies with some artist or another during certain chronological periods.  In the seventies it was Black Sabbath, Led Zepplin or Cher and Barbra depending on your orientation.  The same thing for the 80's, Flock of Seagulls or Elton.  Nowadays you're either really into Dave Matthews, something worth listening to, or you're into Madonna and Mariah."

"Well that certainly seems to make a whole lot of sense."

"You also can't forget that Elton is an openly gay man, and we simply adore an openly gay man in entertainment, even though more than half the actors really are.  Oh and Madonna, Barbra and Mariah had their penises cut off."

I threw up a little more in my mouth, thanked Carson for the coffee and left.  Mariah had a penis.  Well it figures, only castrati can really hit those high notes.

Talk About Hit or Miss

In one of the funnier stories to start this 2005 baseball season, Mark Bellhorn is doing his best to get his picture in the dictionary next to the phrase "hit or miss." Over the first three games of this young season Sir Hacks Alot is 5 of 12 at the plate. His seven outs? Let me count them up for you, K,K,K,K,K,K,K! The man has either gotten on base or struck out in all of his 12 AB's this year! He is on pace to strike out a mere 378 times. As Kenny Mayne would say, I think that would be a record or something. Yet with his apparent inability to make contact with the ball, he IS hitting .417! Perhaps it is time for Mr. Bellhorn to look at a pitch?

Terry Schiavo Family?

Terry Schiavo is dead, but the real disease continues.  Terry's plight has raised awareness about living wills, arguments about medical ethics, legal wrangling and exposed the real story in this sad ending.   Her families absolute hate for each other.  How else do you explain the level of recruitment that both sides used to manipulate and leverage sympathy for its position. Many families face the very same decisions but do it with dignity and compromise.  The family of Daniel Kissling had all the elements to create the same circus that these freaks have brought to the media.Heart-rending Choices  However, the father walked away from a protracted and probably public fight.  Even though his son's wishes are not being carried out because his mother still holds out hope.  Mr. Kissling is letting her have her hope with dignity.   I have the solution for the Schindlers and the Schiavos; that is they should play Russian Roulette and the winner gets Terry.  Just as disgusting an idea as that these people have created with their hateful, selfish beliefs.  But it would sure shut them up.

Gore-Vision

Al Gore has announced that he is starting a new television network dubbed Current.  And that lone sentence is more interesting than the network will ever be.

"We have no intention of being a Democratic channel, a liberal channel, or a TV version of Air America; that's not what we're all about" said Gore himself of the network.  This sounds all nice and nuetral until one hears the list of Democratic All-Stars like Bob Pittman and Joel Hyatt of MTV who helped fund this project.

The basic plan is to pull us ADD-ridden young people away from the Pac-Man machines by showing short videos and packing in some real hard hitting content by posting Google.com's most popular searches as a result of an as yet to be released contract with the search engine.  The whole thing smells of a nationally broadcast public access channel.

Which is actually the cool part.  The network will allow viewer produced content to be submitted and broadcast, which does help make TV a medium for the working man.  They are even going to throw in some sort of American Idol-esque online vote for viewers' favorite shows and segments.  That part sounds cool, but the rest seems to conflict with the 15 minute Adult Swim cartoons and the meaningless statistics on Bloomberg television.

Still though, the possiblity of reaching the masses with my hysterical nonsense through the power of video amazes me. 

Could video kill the Blog Star?

American Idol Sexist?

I know, I was suprised as you are to come to that conclusion.  It took me until this morning to realize that all three winners of the American series all have fantastic breasts.  But for a change I am not going to focus on any part of the anatomy.  No, for this bout of sexism, I'd like to spin to an AIM profile I read.  The girl who had this in her profile is a staunch femenist, and there's nothing too wrong with it especially because she said she likes to swallow.  See not everyone is ALL bad.  Anywho, she states:

American Idol can go to hell.  Last year they kicked off a girl who had posed nude telling her that she was not, "The image American Idol wanted to portray."  Now this year they have a man who was convicted of assult against his then girlfriend and father of his son.  Producers say, "He never hid it from us so it won't affect his chances on the show."  How fucked up is that?  Welcome to America.  Nudity is something to be ashamed of but beating up on a woman is A-OKAY.

Now I was going to look into this a little closer, mostly to find the nudies pics, but then I realized two things: 1) I have no journalistic integrity to uphold and 2) I don't care that much about American Idol to really give a damn. 

My friend points out the flaw in her own argument in her rambling: "He never hid it from us."  Clearly the producers aren't down about nudie chicks or wife beaters but let's face it, the chick probably with held the information, where as the chick-trasher said "I beat women for fun and profit, and I went to jail for a little while for doing it." 

Let's face it, celebrity is based on scandal.  In order to spin it for the positive angle of the show, the producers are going to have to know about it before hand.  That doesn't make hitting women right, that doesn't make being photographed nude wrong, it just means you need to be able to admit to your mistakes, indiscression, or questionable behaviors when the chips are down.

Consequently, I do think hitting women is a bad, very bad thing, unless they hit you first in the genital region, or decide to think for themselves. 

And in Breaking News

It's really good to know that the Mets can count on their closer when they need him! Bravo Braden Looper, you just made an even stronger case for us to go after Ugeth Urbina! Nuthing like ruining a great debut by both of the Mets' two biggest offseason acquisitions! If I sound a little bitter it is because I am!

The Madness was over in March

The inspiration for this column (which like the rest of my columns will be DECIDEDLY shorter than my AL & NL Previews) was a show that Colon Cowherd did last Friday. He was talkin about the NCAA tourney of 65 (play in game) and he brought up a good question. What is more interesting, the end of the tourney or the beginning? This was an easy question to answer from my personal standpoint.

Since 1997 when Mike Bibby led the Arizona Wildcats to the championship, I have watched the opening two rounds of the tournament every single year! During that same time, I have watched ONE championship game. That championship game was in 2001 when Duke beat 'Zona. Why did I watch that one? Because silly, I was contending for the office pool that year! Incidentally, I won if anybody cares. The point is, I LOVE the early rounds of this tournament. I live for UW Milwaukees & the Vermonts & Bucknells of the world to make those few improbably upset wins!! Those wins are the reason that I love the Zags so much! They were upset specialists before people knew who they were!

Once you get into the elite eight though, generally speaking there are no more surprises. This year is a perfect example of that. The highest ranked team in the elite eight was a seven seed (West Virginia). Once we got to the final four, we had two #1's, a number five & a poorly seeded #4. (No way in hell a team as good as Louisville shoulda been ranked a four!) Now that we are at the championship game, we have no surprises. The two teams that were regarded as the best coming into the tournament are now facing off in the title game. Perhaps in many ways that is how it should be because I guess now we get to see who the best of the best really is. But for me, that isn't what the tourney is all about!

For me, the tourney is just about the cinderella story. The tourney, for me, is about Jimmy V runnin around the court like a mad man lookin for some one to hug! The tournament is about the powerhouses falling to the little guy! THAT is what captures my imagination and makes me watch the first two rounds. I don't watch much college basketball during the regular season. I tune in occasionally just to get a read on this team or that, but not much more. Basically, my college basketball watching begins in the second or third week of March & ends about four days later. I mean honestly, who wants to sit & watch UNC win yet another Championship tonite? I know that I will find a baseball game somewhere instead!

More Info Than You Wanted

I am a middle aged man (if I live to be 100) whose formative years were spent in the 60's & 70's in a world that centered its identity and ideals around manufacturing. You went to church on Sunday because that was expected. That never sat well with me, because I remember asking questions that started with "why do....". I was planning on becoming a priest until I was about 12 and I learned what celibacy meant. I had not experienced carnal knowledge at that age, but I sure as hell knew that I didn't want to leave that out of my life. Another crucial event that I was unaware of but he a profound impact was the Second Vatican Council, which took place 1963-65. The Reader's Digest version of the changes were: The Catholic Church went from a Pay, Pray & Obey practice to that of taking responsibility for your faith. Unfortunately, the church made a philosophical change but didn’t give out specific directions on how to achieve this new faith life. As a result, I was in a church that now taught about the love of Jesus, but not give us allot of instructions or directions of how we were to be responsible. I am happy to say that 40 years later that there has been progress to help guide us as Catholic believers. I have still questions and struggles with my faith some of which will be fuel for future entries.

Second Vatican Counsel

One reference point that I want to define is:swiss cheese - 1.a cheese that has allot of holes in it ,2. the effect of examining all sides of an issue only to find holes in every point of view.  This will be phrase that I will use often.

Kind of looks like Carol Wotyla wasn't pranking after all.

Hello

I am the elder statesman of this group.  I am going to contribute to this effort by writing about cultural events with a religious perspective.  This is the first time that I have taken the opportunity to participate in a public forum. While many of the subjects that I will post are serious, I sometimes find humor because of our human nature and those responses.  So sit down, shut up, hang on and pray.  I am looking forward to your comments.  Thank you.   

Joe Beanan

NL Preview

Here is the preview for the National League.

NL EAST

#1) Atlanta Braves

I have been saying this for a couple of years now: Until the Braves fail to win the East, I am gunna pick them to win the East. The Mets have improved greatly & the Marlins are nice but the Braves are gunna do it again. Furcal & Giles will be great at getting on base to set up the Jones boys. Speaking of the Jones boys, Chipper is healthy this season & he is back at third where he is comfortable. Meanwhile, the defensive genius Andruw is puttin on a hitting CLINIC this spring. He has blasted TEN long balls. If Brian Jordan & Raul Mondesi can contribute & Johnny Estrada returns to all-star form, this team is gunna be incredibly tough to beat!(By the way, Julio Franco IS gunna play until he is at least 50!)

The edition of Tim Hudson helps to solidify a starting rotation that has some question marks. Can John Smoltz start effectively for an entire season after having spent the last four in the closer's role? Which Mike Hampton will show up this season? I think we can safely assume 1999 & 2000 Hampton is never going to return but if he can pitch as well as he did the second half of last season, he will be a great number three. I am predicting that Horacio Ramirez is going to have a really good year & finally live up to his expectations. Closer Danny Kolb is going to slide right in & take over for Smoltz in the closers role. This is a guy who has managed 60 saves over the last two seasons with the freaking Brewers! Hotlanta will once again take the NL East.

#2) Florida Marlins (NL Wildcard)

I really want to be able to put the Mets on this spot. Second in the East IS going to be the wildcard. The problem is, with all of the improvements the Mets have made, this Marlins line-up is RIDICULOUS! We all know how well Juan Pierre & Luis Castilla set the table for this offense. The addition of Carlos Delgado gives the Marlins FOUR legit contenders to hit more than 30 bombs this season. Paul LoDuca will be as steady as always, particularly with so much protection around him. This line-up will produce some runs, even in their not so offense friendly home yard.

Add to all of this a pitching staff that sets up to be dominant. The biggest issue facing this staff is health. If Beckett & Burnett can stay healthy, the D-train can hit his spots & Al Leiter can STILL find a way to win 14 or 15 games, this team could even give the ATL a run for their money. The bullpen sets up well with Guillermo Mota as the stopper. This little bastard is ready to step into the role of closer & will be dominant at the position.

#3) New York Mets

If the Mets are able to put everything together the way it is supposed to happen, they COULD contend for the wildcard or even the division. There is a TON of potential taking the field every single day with this team. If Reyes stays healthy & can finally live up to his billing, Matsui finds a comfort level at the plate, David Wright plays the entire season the way he played the second half of last season, Carlos Beltran does what he did last year & Piazza can hit 20 & drive in 80, this team could produce even at Shea Stadium. It would be nice if Mike Cameron got healthy & Cliff Floyd removed his cranium from his rectum as well.

The pitching staff is another unit that, if everything comes together the way it should, they could dominate. They could also fall flat on their faces. Steve Trachsel will start the season on the DL & Kris Benson had his start moved back a couple of days due to a pectoral strain. Victor Zambrano couldn't hit the ocean if he were throwin off of a cruise liner. Pedro & Tom Glavine are old & have had a tendency to not be healthy over the last few seasons despite the fact that they have missed very few games. Kaz Ishii could be a big help even though I already miss Jason Phillip's glasses. The bully really needs some work & the addition of Ugeth Urbina would not suck at all. The problem would be that either Urbina would have to leave a position he is unhappy with in Detroit (set up man) to come & be a set up man in New York, or Braden Looper would have to give up his role as closer to be a set up man. Either way, I would love to see the Mets get some bullpen help. Until that happens, I don't think that they have the horses in the starting rotation to get it done on their own. A decent season with some great moments will ultimately see the Mets in third in the East.

The other two teams

#4) The Phillies have a couple of nice bats with Jim Thome & Booby Abreau who combined for 72 home runs & 210 RBI last season. Outside of that, the rest of their bats are very inconsistent. Their starting rotation is void of anybody worth mentioning. It is a staff that was once regarded as the best young staff in the league but they have failed to materialize into the dominant force once expected of them. The bullpen is aging & with Billy Wagner's inability to stay healthy in recent years, he is not a safe bet to make it through the season in one piece.

#5) The Washington Nationals have brought baseball back to the nation's capital. I love manager Frank Robinson but he just doesn't have the tools to get anything going. The two key guys that came to the team via free agency are Vinny Castilla & Jose Guillen. They both had BIG years last season. The difference now is that Jose Guillen doesn't have the protection of Vlad Guerrero not to mention the fact that he is a major head case. Castilla, well, he can't put up any numbers unless he is playing in Colorado. Brad Wilkerson (who I somehow end up with on every fantasy team, every year) & Jose Vidro will remain steady but nothing particularly spectacular. The pitching staff is nothing incredible itself. Livan Hernandez has to get too old for this shit at some point & the rest of the staff is hit or miss. The bullpen is not very experienced and will not scare anyone.

NL CENTRAL

#1) St. Louis Cardinals

Jim Edmonds, Larry Walker, Scott Rolen & oh yeah, that Albert Pujols guy make up about as bad ass a line up as you are ever gunna find! This team did not lead the NL in scoring last season by accident. Reggie Sanders will thrive once again with that kind of protection! Having Tony LaRussa as a manager to these stars makes them that much more difficult to beat.

Their pitching staff returns to form from last season only they added Mark Mulder! Supposing that Chris Carpenter returns from his injury (and so far this spring it looks like he has) this staff should return to dominance. The Cards are going to win this thing going away!

#2) Chicago Cubs

Despite the loss of Sammy Sosa & his needles, this team can still put some runs on the board. I don't at all expect Jeromy Burnitz to hit 37 homers & drive in 110 runs like he did last season in the thin rockie mountain air but if Nomar can stay healthy, Aramis Ramirez can follow up his 2004 campaign with similar numbers along with Derek Lee and Corey Patterson, this team will be terrific offensively.

They also have what is, on paper, one of the best pitching staffs in the league. The problem is, Prior & Wood can never stay healthy! A pair of staff aces doesn't do you any good if they never toe the rubber! The other huge problem for the Cubbies is their bullpen. Even when Joe Borowski gets healthy, he doesn't have a ton to set him up. In his absence, the VERY unpredictable LaTroy Hawkins fills in. The bullpen killed the Cubs last season & I don't see that changing this year.

The Rest of the Central

#3) The Houston Astros have some pieces of the puzzle coming back this season. The biggest problem though is the fact that the "Killer Bees" are a year older and they are missing that fourth B, you know the one that carried them through their playoff run last season, BELTRAN! The top three starters in the rotation could be great. However, Roger Clemens HAS GOT to run outta gas at some point. Andy Pettite cannot seem to stay healthy, although if he is, he could win them some games. Roy Oswalt is over his rib cage strain and should be even better this year than he was last year. The bullpen is sketchy on the way to Brad Lidge. Lidge is lights out, but he is depending on rookie Chad Qualls & ancient, washed up John Franco (it KILLS me to say that cuz I love the guy but he has to know when to hang it up) to get the game to him & that is not very reassuring.

#4) The Cincinatti Reds probably won't do much this season outside of finishing higher than the Brewers & the Pirates. Sean Casey & Adam Dunn will still mash the hell out of the ball. I believe that Austin Kearns will finally live up to his potential and explode this season. That being said, Griffey will not make it past May without a trip to the DL & Wily Mo Pena will fill in & be the modern day Dave Kingman. The rest of the lineup will be very average and usually below average once again this year. There is not a single person in the starting rotation that warrants so much as a mention. I guess if I have to say a name it would be Paul Wilson. He had his best season as a big leaguer last year but that wasn't sayin much. The bully is pretty good. Aging but effective set up men Kent Mercker & Dave Weathers will usually get the ball to Danny Graves. The problem is, I dunno how many times that situation is gunna play itself out.

#5) The Milwaukee Brewers are pretty awful. Carlos Lee will produce again as will Geoff Jenkins. Lyle Overbay will put up fair numbers and the rest of the line-up will drop a deuce on themselves. The pitching staff has Ben Sheets who was AMAZING last season. I also expect Doug Davis to continue to put up good numbers. The problem is, neither of these guys will get too many wins because they have nobody around them to help. These two, Sheets in particular, are dominant pitchers on a terrible team. The bullpen will be another source of games lost for Sheets & Davis even after they leave a game with a lead. The Brew Crew will still just be the Brew Crew.

#6) The Pittsburgh Pirates leave very little to talk about. They are a terrible ball club. They have some young ball players that could thrive if there were any veteran ability around them but on their own, they are limited in what they can do. Jason Bay & Craig Wilson will perform pretty well again but outside of that, nobody in this line-up warrants a mention. On the pitching staff, Oliver Perez fits into the same category as Ben Sheets & Doug Davis. He can completely dominate a game but he gets no help from the team around him. Hopefully the addition of Benito Santiago will help this pitching staff that has guys who have yet to reach their potential like Kip Wells & Josh Fogg. I think we can all presume that Jose Mesa is not going to cash in another 43 saves this season either. He may not get 43 save opportunities. I don't see the Pirates winning more than 60 games this season.

NL WEST

#1) San Diego Padres

YOU BETTER BELIEVE IT! This is a team that plays good old fashioned team baseball. Once healthy, the addition of Dave Roberts gives the Pads an offensive threat that they did not have before at the top of their line-up. They play solid (not spectacular) defense, they move runners, they get hits & when the chips are down, Brian Giles & Phil Nevin bring runs across the plate. With the way things have shaken out in the west going into this season, if this team stays together they will edge out the Giants for the division crown.

They have a nice rotation as well. Jake Peavy took this staff by the balls last year & pitched some great games. The addition of Woody Williams is absolutely huge. Brian Lawrence is only gunna improve on the strides he made last season and it is time for Adam Eaton to have a break out year. The bullpen is very solid! Once you get to the 7th or 8th, Otsuka & Hammond will get the ball to Trevor Hoffman who is as reliable as they come when you need a game closed. San Diego, you are headed back to the post season!

#2) San Francisco Giants

Despite the fact that they will not have Barry Bonds (or his "arthritis cream" or his "Flax seed Oil") the Giants will still have enough to finish a close second to the Padres. Moises Alou is a HUGE addition to this team, especially with Bonds missing for at least half of the season. The thing that is going to stop the Giants from winning the division is the fact that Marquis Grissom, JT Snow & Pedro Feliz will not have the luxury of Barry's protection. If you don't think having the protection of the most feared hitter in the game makes a difference, well, #1 you are stupid & #2, watch their numbers this year & you will quickly learn! Still, they will have enough to finish second in what will be a very weak NL West.

The pitching staff is anchored by Jason Schmidt who is absolutely as good as any pitcher in the league right now. This kid is an ACE. He is pocket aces even! The problem is, there is no one proven starting behind him. Noah Lowry looked very good at the end of last season but that was a very small sample of what he has to face. Can the kid handle the grind of a full season? Kirk Rueter finished with a sub .500 record & Brett Tomko's best days are over. A lot is expected of Jerome Williams & some predict that this will be his break out year. The bullpen is anchored by Armando Benitez who looked like a new man last season. It should be interesting to see if his return to glory was the real deal or if it was a one year shot in the arm. (No offense meant Barry, it is a metaphor, i am not out to get you)

The Rest of the West

#3) The LA Dodgers are not gunna be very good this year. They are counting on JD Drew to be able to put together another season like he did last season. Of course hitting is a lot more difficult in LA than it is in Atlanta. They are also expecting Jeff Kent to continue to produce. He doesn't have the protection of Barry Bonds or of the Killer B's this year. It will be very interesting to see how he does with just his own nuttz on the chopping block. Outside of that, there really isn't much to offer in terms of offense which is tough while playing in a park that is not very good for producing runs. I believe that it is just for that reason (and the fact that he wants to shove it in Boston's face) that Derek Lowe is going to have a great season on the mound. He has made a concentrated effort to keep his emotions in check to keep that sinker down. If he can keep the opposing team hitting ground balls, he will be just fine. Jeff Weaver is some one who seems a lot more comfy out in LA than he did in New York & I expect another good year from him. Odalis Perez & Brad Penny need to stay healthy & have great season if the Dodgers are going to make a run. Eric Gagne is obviously the best closer in the game today. The problem is there is nobody in this bullpen who can get the damn ball to him late. The Dodgers are not gunna be pretty to watch this season.

#4) The Arizona Diamondbacks could put up some decent offensive numbers if their two best offensive weapons could find a way to stay healthy. So far in the spring Luis Gonzalez & Troy Glaus have looked great. The problem is, they both spent a lot of time injured last year & Glaus in particular has had trouble stayin healthy for the past few seasons. Even with the offense that these guys could produce, they're relying on an aging pitching staff that does not have an ace and is not capable of carrying a team. Their bullpen is terrible & I do not see them doing anything much at all. Expect Troy Glaus to make a DL trip by June. This team is gunna be a far cry from the one that won a world series just four years ago.

#5) Then there were the Colorado Rockies. Todd Helton will be what he always is which is to say he will be a solid ball player, an even better person & he will hit .350, 35 home runs & 95 RBI. The problem is, there is NO ONE else on that team that can help. Even if Preston Wilson were to return to 2003 form, there is no way that the two of them can out-slug the visiting teams with any regularity. The pitching staff is anchored by Jason Jennings & Joe Kennedy. Kennedy pitched well there last season but as Mike Hampton showed us all, one good season (or in his case a half of a good season) at Coors field can take years off of your ability!! Pitching at this park is SO stressful. Shawn Chacon, last year's closer, is the 3rd starter. Ya know what? I am gunna stop wasting time. The Rockies are not gunna be good!

Recap

NL East: Braves, NL Central: Cards, NL West: Padres, Wildcard: Marlins

NLDS: Braves over Padres & Cards over Marlins

NLCS: Cards over Braves

World Series: Cardinals lose again, this time to the Yankees

That is my NL preview, hope you enjoyed it!

The Pope has Lousy Timing

Or maybe it's great timing I have no idea.  Follow me on this one people, and think dark comedy on the way. 

All of the sudden the Pope is in really bad shape and all of the sudden he's on his deathbed.  Let's ignore the fact that the Pontifical Polack has been dying for a few years now and overlook the menacing kidney problems he has been facing for quite some time and look at the facts.  It's April Fool's Day.  That's right, the supreme day for any prankster, young and old, healthy or dying, heathen or holy.

In fact, I would be willing to bet that by the time you read this, the world will be PISSED because the Pope was seen tap-dancing and laughing his ass off on his little balcony.

"Look at all you people, all crying for an old Pope like me,"  he's going to say.  "Man I had you guys so good.  I mean, look at all these people."

The really ironic part is that he's gunna laugh himself to death, by falling off of the balcony.